Sunday, January 27, 2008

First Sleepless Night

I slept out in the open field. Or more specifically, I tried to sleep in the open field. How can I sleep upon the graves of my family, on the graves of everyone I ever knew? I can not even comprehend the change which has overcome me, as powerfully as it overcame them.

The small world of my village is not so small anymore, or truthfully, it is quite smaller. My world is nothing now and my mind slips out of consciousness just trying to comprehend this new land upon which I lay.

Where was this grass a day ago, a night ago? Where were these fears and sleepless nights a week ago? Our village was the proud of it's stability, but such great devastion, such great is unspeakable. Who can know what powerful evil has done this?

I walked down the old timeless path with Grandfather this afternoon. I left my father's house this morning, and all was as it always had been. Yet this night has brought frightening change. When we emerged from the shelter of the wood, expecting to enter the safety of the town, there was nothing to meet us but the open plain.

Had we taken a wrong turn? Had we truly lost ourselves in conversation, as the wise to the young? Or am I just a child to not realize the futility of life, the emptiness in repetition? Am I a man to shed no tears, or a boy not to admit that my heart is grieved?

Am I not near to the time that I would leave my father's house to make a life for my own? The first son of a seer, quickly coming of age, ready to take on the role of seer as his father's man. What life have I now?

Grandfather told me "Find mersayochan." How can I, a mortal, seek immortality? Isn't it true that all who seek him forfeit their very lives? Indeed I am already destroyed, for there is nothing left of me.

NINYLOCHAN, help me.


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